BY BRIAN KEYES AND KELLIK DAWSON, CONTRIBUTORS
(Movies ten through eight appear in the October issue of The Beacon)
7. “Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire”
No list of movies would be complete without one about a group of children getting into trouble and trying to rescue their mother from a savage vampire who wants to eat the family pet. This movie is pretty boring but it does have a scene that trumps all other Disney Halloween movie scenes because the scary vampire man walks straight up a wall. Directly up the wall. A Full 90 degrees. Vertically, not horizontally. Up. Straight. Parallel. (This moment was perhaps the most important moment in a young Kellik’s life. Brian was off doing other things).
6. “Don’t Look Under the Bed”
Sometimes when kids get older they forget their imaginary friends and sometimes their imaginary friends become slightly homicidal pranksters who fill swimming pools with Jello. Other than having a mean older sister who bullies the main character into forgetting his imaginary friend, this movie also teaches an important lesson that even a woman can be the Boogey Man or, as she referred to it, the Boogey Person.
5. “Halloween Town High”
Have you ever seen your grandmother’s alligator purse grow legs and eat the principal’s pet bird? Or what about opening a locker and getting transported to another realm? Probably not. But all that stuff happens to Marnie, the main character in this movie. Also, her principal is an evil knight in alliance with a menacing warlock and he does want to kill her. (Never trust a man with a shamwow as his sweat cloth.) Overall this film is really weird.
4. “Hocus Pocus”
If you have seen this movie, you know that it was actually not that bad a movie. There was an immortal cat and some witches and a dumb virgin, the usual.
3. “Halloweentown” and “Halloweentown 2: Kalabar’s Revenge”
Both very good (not good) movies that probably played very big parts in this generation’s childhoods. We won’t go into detail because you have probably seen them both multiple times, but we will say that the girl who played Marnie in these movies and “Halloween Town High” (#5) was a boss and way better than the one in “Return to Halloweentown.” Also, the grandmother is better than yours, hand down.
2. “Twitches and “Twitches Too”
These were the only movies Brian enjoyed on this list but, as someone in a higher grade and of more authority, Kellik wouldn’t allow him to pick them as number one. Now, even though these movies are the only solid movies on this list that are genuinely enjoyable, they are pretty much the same exact story as “Sister, Sister” with some magic added. Also; “Go Twitches, It’s ya birthday, go twitches!”
1. “Phantom at the Megoplex”
You probably forgot this movie. And you were good for doing it. This movie is actually the worst film produced by Disney Channel and that is why it is number one. It has cows and tornados in a movie theater. It has a girl who won’t shut up and the joke of the movie was that they call her Motor Mouth or something else really dumb and unoriginal. This movie is terrible. But it had the longest lasting impression on Kellik and he laughs every time he thinks about it, so Happy Halloween. Don’t watch these films, you deserve better. Instead do your homework, or go outside and exercise.