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September Horoscopes


Aries: If you really think about it, all instruments are mandolins. Life is a mandolin. We are all simply notes in the mandolin rock-ballad of the universe.

Taurus: Death is inevitable. It comes for all of us. It is the one inescapable truth in all of life, the one absolute that has ruled over all actions we will ever make. So go ahead. Order that extra serving of fries.

Gemini: Baskin Robbins actually has 32 flavors. The last flavor is called “the emotional feeling of desire captured in James Joyce’s Villanelle of the Temptress. It tastes a little bit like Rum Raisin.

Cancer: The Cancers don’t get a horoscope this month. They angered their god.

Leo: You may have known that Beyonce wore a James Harden jersey unitard at her Made in America tour, but what you probably didn’t know is that the Beacon’s own resident pop diva, Mason Strazzella, will be wearing Antawn Jamison’s jersey as a unitard at her upcoming performance at the Super Bowl halftime show.

Virgo: You would best be described as having a “dominant” personality. It might be because you keep stating “I’m Batman” in a dark and gravely voice. But no one really knows who you are underneath. All they know is the image. The image of a large man in a bat-themed combat suit, taking on crime one thug at a time.

Libra: There is actually an unreleased version of March of the Penguins where all of the voiceover is done by 90s hip-hop legend Flava Flav. They ended up having to go with Morgan Freeman in the end though because Flav’s clock’s ticking was too loud in the recordings.

Scorpio: In a thousand years, after all traces of our culture have been destroyed by the ravages of time, only one piece will remain to tell those who come after us what our life was like. That piece will be considered one of our greatest poems of all time, and it goes like this: “Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace.”

Sagittarius: Today you may feel like you’ve been put in a more vulnerable position than normal, but it’s ok to show weakness sometimes. No one will judge you if you cry. Especially because you’ve been tied up and are now hanging from the ceiling of the third floor science lab.

Capricorn: If Dante’s Paradiso is to believed, there are nine spheres in heaven in which you have to climb. That sounds like a lot of work, and personally, you think it would be easier to only do the seven going down the other way.

Aquarius: LeBron just took a look at your hairline and went “Dang, that’s messed up.” When LeBron is joaning on your hair, you really have to go get a haircut.

Pisces: Think your day can’t get any worse? Just wait till you see the security guards munching down on that Whole Foods sushi that they confiscated from you at lunch while you’re leaving for your free period.