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SATIRE: Bobcat on the loose


National Zoo officials scrambled to find the 25 pound bobcat, Ollie, who escaped Monday, January 30, eventually finding her at the Zoo three days later. But, where was she those three days she was not in her enclosure? A source close to the bobcat gave us the details of Ollie’s great escape.

MONDAY

7:30 a.m.- Handlers checked on Ollie and the other wild cats

7:45 a.m.- Ollie slipped out and  dashed to rock creek park

9:00 a.m.- After a nice snack at the fro-yo across the street from the zoo, Ollie raced a bus down Connecticut Ave to Farragut square

10 a.m.- She dozed off under the statue of Admiral Farragut, but pigeons were pecking at her so she scratched at them

*10:45 a.m.- Zoo feeders realize Ollie was gone, press notified*

5:00 p.m.- Ollie woke up from a good day’s sleep, ready to take on the night

5:20 p.m.- She decided to pay a visit to the newly elected president and his cabinet at the White House, she stakes out on the eclipse waiting.

6:00 p.m.- Ollie spotted Kellyanne Conway and MSNBC reporters arguing

7:00 p.m.- Ollie stole chicken from a bbq food truck

8:00 p.m.- The bobcat toured the mall from the Lincoln to WWII Memorials

9:00 p.m.- She went for a stroll with some squirrels along the Tidal Basin

10:00 p.m.- Rock creek park hikers were chased by Ollie

11:00 p.m.- The Uber arrived

12:00 p.m.- Ollie roamed around Chinatown

TUESDAY-

1:00 a.m.- She ran around the empty Verizon Center, sneaking to the locker room

2:00 a.m.- On the empty Metro running through the tunnels

3:00 a.m.- Ollie got off at Union Station after getting a bit lost in the dark tunnels

4:00 a.m.- A 50 foot tree is no match for the Bobcat, Ollie managed to climb a huge tree next to a window where she slipped through into an office

5:00 a.m.- In the empty capitol, Ollie ran around discovering government secrets.

6:00 a.m.- Ollie returned to Union Station hopping on a red line train getting off in Tenleytown

7:30 a.m.- Ollie grabbed an unsuspecting Wilson students breakfast at Chick-Fil-A

8:00 a.m.- The cat browsed iPhones at Best Buy and boxes at the Container Store, falling asleep in a box

5:30 p.m.- She woke up, decided she wanted to go for a run

6:00 p.m.- Ollie literally runs into the Wilson track team, racing all of the Tigers

7:30 p.m.- The school started to become empty, so Ollie went through the tunnel

8:00 p.m.- Ollie pays a visit to the Crew team erging

9:00 p.m.- The cat ran around catching mice

10:00 p.m.- Ollie went back outside through the tunnel and ran down Wisconsin to Georgetown

11:00 p.m.- Ollie waded in a big fountain scratching at the lights at the bottom

12:00 p.m.- Ollie ran down the freeway to the Navy Yard

WEDNESDAY

1:00 a.m.- Ollie attempted to sneak into the baseball stadium, but had no luck

2:00 a.m.- She missed her secret boyfriend back at the Zoo. Ollie meowed for him, but he was not responded, so she took the empty train tunnels from the Navy Yard

3:00 a.m.- Somehow she ended up in Columbia Heights, so she tried again realizing she had to transfer at gallery place.

4:00 a.m.- She made it back to the Zoo

4:30 a.m.- Ollie got distracted by the birds and fell asleep

*1:00 p.m.- A guest noticed the bobcat and reported it it*

2:00 p.m.- Ollie was caught in a trap and returned to her secret boyfriend

 

IMAGE COURTESY OF THE NATIONAL ZOO

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