BY BRIAN KEYES, JUNIOR EDITOR
10. “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”
This has forever been one of my favorite movies to watch whenever it comes on. It is so strange, and so stupid, but it has a certain undeniable charm to it. Also, reindeer nip (like cat nip) in fruit cake is the main thing that drives the plot, so there’s that.
9. “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year”
We’ve all seen Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It’s pretty much a crime not to. But what most of us haven’t seen is the follow-up movie, in which Rudolph is tasked by Father Time to protect the baby new year from Aeon, a giant evil vulture that will die when the new year comes. After reading that summary, there is literally no reason for you not to go see it.
It’s a good movie, Will Ferrell and Zooey Deschanel do well in it, but that’s not why you should go watch this. You should go watch it because Will Ferrell utters the ever immortal line, “You smell like beef and cheese. You don’t smell like Santa. You sit on a throne of lies.”
7. “The Hebrew Hammer”
I didn’t actually watch this movie. I really feel that I don’t have to to fully appreciate what it is about. I came across it on Wikipedia, and apparently it is about a Jewish private eye called ‘The Hebrew Hammer’ who works to protect his neighborhood. Santa then gets killed by his evil son, and evil Santa sets off to destroy Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, leaving only Christmas. The entire thing parodies blaxploitation movies, and is probably the greatest thing ever.
Okay, it’s a bit of a stretch, but you know what, it happens around Christmas and the gremlins themselves are Christmas presents, so fight me. This one definitely has the most outright murder of any other movie on this list, and of any PG movie ever for that matter. Beyond that, there’s nothing else to say. You’ve seen it already. So go rewatch it right before Christmas.
5. “Nightmare Before Christmas”
This one is another bit of a stretch, but because it wasn’t on the list of movies for Halloween, it definitely makes the list for Christmas. You know how it goes, lanky skeleton kidnaps Santa and then there are a few strangely placed songs. But what you don’t know is how amazing the movie is when watched at Christmas, giving you really trippy dreams about candy Christmas night.
4. “A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas”
This movie is maybe the stupidest thing to have ever been made. But really, if Santa gets shot in the face, and Neil Patrick Harris gets kicked out of Heaven by Jesus, then there has to be at least something worthwhile in it.
3. “Die Hard”
When I said Gremlins had the most murder on this list, I was wrong. Who doesn’t want to sip hot chocolate and watch Bruce Willis (back when he had hair) shoot tons of European terrorists? Plus, at the end he shoots Hans Gruber out the window of a skyscraper, and after all, isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
2. “Deck the Halls”
This movie is literally just Danny DeVito and Matthew Broderick fighting over who has the most Christmas spirit. It is an utterly god awful movie and normally you should never watch this. Yeah.
1. “Bad Santa”
Literally the best and most depressing movie to ever involve Christmas. An alcoholic Santa impersonator plans to rob a mall over Christmas with his vertically challenged partner. And also has relations with someone in the plus sized section of a women’s clothing store. Go watch this if you want all of your childhood dreams to die.