BY ANNIE ROSENTHAL, CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
PHOTO BY ALEX PROIMOS
Note: This is a satirical piece.
Dear Prospective Female Student,
What up, girl! Greetings from your friends at the University of Virginia Office of Undergraduate Admissions! We know this is a busy time of year for you, and you’ve got lots going on: recovering from your Thanksgiving food coma (LOL!!), shopping for holiday gifts, and finishing up your college applications. We hope that you’re planning on submitting an application to U-Va–the top public school in America, where our great nation’s most polished students work hard and party harder (but shhh—don’t tell Mom)! If our prestigious university is not yet on your list, here are a few more reasons why it should be:
Due to a record-breaking low number of female applicants this year, we’ve extended our deadline for THREE MORE MONTHS. That means you have until April 1 to apply to U-Va! We’re not quite sure why we’ve had so few applications from the fairer sex so far this fall—it’s probably a reflection of changing demographics; less girls being born in the world or something. But whatever the reason, we’re dying to have ya. If you’re an All-American gal with okay grades and a pretty big trust fund, we can’t make any promises, but let’s just say your chances of getting into U-Va are pretty darn good. In fact, if you are a legacy student, don’t even worry about the application at all—you should be receiving the lucky “thick envelope” from us within weeks.
Not only are we giving you three extra months to apply, but as of November 19, every single girl in America is a VIP applicant! That means we’ve waived your application fee, and you’ll find out whether you’ve been accepted within two weeks of submitting your application. If it takes longer than that, you can give us a call—but be patient, because our phone lines have been busy lately. Lots of nosy reporters and anxious mothers have been trying to figure out how we got so great.
You’ve probably heard some rumors about us going around recently—some nonsense about rape on campus. But don’t believe everything you hear! All the people fussing about sexual assault are like that rhymes-with-witch at school who spreads lies about you behind your back. They’re just jealous. Haters gonna hate, ladies.
But—if Mom really is all worked up about some fraudulent reporting in Rolling Stone by a crabby prude on her period, we have just the thing to assuage her fears! Every female student accepted to U-Va will receive a complimentary full-body-length burlap sack with her acceptance letter. These trendy new uniforms are all the rage in Paris right now, and they’re right in line with our new green initiative here at U-Va. When you waddle to class in your new handmade, loose-fitting sack, you can rest assured that you won’t distract your male peers with your feminine wiles. After all, everyone knows that if your clothes are revealing, you’re asking for it! Boys will be boys.
Ninety-nine percent of women who graduate from the University of Virginia can proudly say they’ve never been sexually assaulted (at least, not that we know of 😉 ). With numbers that good, it’s puzzling to us why everyone is so worked up about it! But in the off chance that you should get way too wasted at a frat party and seduce an upstanding fraternity brother or two, the campus Blue Light System is there to comfort you. One of these blue beacons can be seen from any spot on campus, and if you feel unsafe, you can come stand underneath one. No one will come to help you as you stand there bloody and traumatized, but the calming light of the lamppost will do what a rape kit and a lawsuit against a frat bro with a glistening reputation could not: help you to understand that what happened was your fault and that no one wants to listen to you whine. If somehow that isn’t enough, our friendly cafeteria staff members are on duty all night. Mabel, Ethel, or Rose will give you a meatloaf-smelling hug and direct you back to your dorm room after explaining to you that no one will believe you if you try to tell your story. It’s not worth ruining anyone’s reputation, after all.
Because that’s what life is all about here in Charlottesville: reputation. Our founder, Thomas Jefferson, had a glowing reputation that continues to garner respect worldwide today. We heartily promise you that if you become a Cavalier, we’ll pass that status and renown on to you. And we’ll protect it at any cost (even if that cost is your wellbeing) (Just kidding!).
One last gift—when you apply to U-Va, we’ll send you and your family season tickets to our football games, plus two free invitations to the frat party of your choice. Who would pass that up? Not even a bra-burning feminist at a Sex Positive convention!
We can’t wait to read your application (whenever you can get it in—don’t even worry about the essays)! Good luck with the college process, and remember—keep your body covered up and your thoughts to yourself! We’ll all be happier that way.
Your friends at the University of Virginia Office of Undergraduate Admissions