State hate: Which states’ gotta hit the road?


Graphic by Margaret Heffernan

Shirah Lister and Sarah Morgan

Have you ever looked at the flag of the U.S. of A and thought: which sorry state is gonna have to go once DC inevitably becomes a region with votes that count? We have too. As we all know, we only have space on our gorgeous flag for 50 stars. Fifty-one would simply be unthinkable. A national disgrace, and we would not stand for it, sorry. We want DC to be a place where taxation comes with representation, and that requires statehood. (Seriously, look it up).

We have visited. Every. Single. State. Except for the ones we didn’t. After, we ranked them on a scale that is both non-prejudiced and completely legitimate. We have compiled a list of all the states we’d consider forcibly removing, and sorted them based on when we visited. Notice—we haven’t and will not be removing any of the sacred 13 Original Colonies because we stan the OGs.

Here are our thoughts:

  1. Wisconsin- Who cares that their state university is home to half the Beacon class of 2019? Not us! We’re lactose intolerant, you inconsiderate cheese-mongers. Being in this state made us throw up in our mouths because all the cheese particles somehow floated into our collective stomach. Unfortunately, they did not “float” out of our collective back end. We lost our favorite pair of jeans to this state. 
  2. The Dakotas- First of all, we hate them. Aside from that, having two Dakotas is the epitome of wasteful. Our country absolutely does not need both. They are interchangeable, and we know this because when we had nightmares about our unspeakable excursion to North Dakota, its southern counterpart tagged along for the ride.
  3. Alabama- You know why.
  4. Nevada- Visited for eight months, barely remember what we did. Hazy visions of moving cacti and funny script written across the backs of our eyeballs when we close them. Not to mention we have merged as one person, rather than the once separate Shirah and Sarah. Nevada is weird. It does not belong here. Open your third eye.
  5. Texas- Texans are barely holding on to the strings of statehood, and yet it is still (miraculously) one of our big 50. This state has consistently demanded its release from the United States, to no avail. Just let it go. We can’t win ‘em all.

The verdict: After all this deliberation, we’ve decided that the state we want to get rid of is… SIKE! We will tell you what we think, once DC gets the representation we crave. Thank you, and have a democratic day. •