Sarah and Shirah’s guide to bagging that sophomore in your music class


Graphic by Liam Hansen

Shirah Lister and Sarah Morgan

It’s that time of the year again! Not holiday season, but cuffing season. That’s right! And whether your Instagram bio says you’re ‘single AF’ or that ‘iT’s cOmpL1cAte3d’, we are here with the top six sure-fire ways to snag that cutie you’ve been crushing on. (These work 100 percent of the time! Trust us, we’ve done, like, at least half.)

    1. Let’s start with something simple: marriage. Pull out that ring already! Get married, we are sure Principal Martin would be delighted to officiate. We asked her once, and she said, “How did you guys get into my office?” Thanks Ms. Martin.
    2. Sign up to write a Beacon article… together. Nothing says ‘I love you’ quite like interviewing Wilson staff three days after the deadline for an article you haven’t even created a Google Doc for. 
    3. Delete their Common App! This is for all you kids trying to bag a senior. After the mental breakdown subsides, you can offer to help them rewrite it. Spending 18 hours at their kitchen table, lying about how choking on tofu ‘changed’ them, will show how much you care.
    4. Take them to Reno and yeahhh. Here’s a little trick to jump out of the ‘talking’ stage and into #cuffed territory. Pick them up with your provisional license, even though you’re not supposed to, and impress them with the fact that you’re a bad boy—but only drive to the Fort Reno hill. And then, while the sun is setting, the sky is clear, the birds are chirping, and the kids are playing ultimate because it’s a Friday night, you lovebirds should totally yeahhh. (This message is not supported by The Beacon.)
    5. Slow dance to “Despacito” in the atrium via Mr. Bargeman’s DJing. You’re standing there, they’re standing there. The atrium has amazing lighting, and they look so beautiful standing next to the blood drive table. Go up and ask them to dance! Worst case scenario they vibe check you, right then and there. Best case… number four. 
    6. Walk them to class. Maybe you were waiting outside their Pre-AP English I class, maybe it’s a coincidence. All we know is that you are for sure walking them all the way to General Music, and only after your long goodbye can you make your way to the fourth floor. Who cares about the hall sweep? You can only be a senior trying to bag a freshman once—after all, the second time you’re going to jail. They’ll look so cute with you at prom, trust us. Yes, even when you have that little ankle monitor on. 

There you have it folks. If you have any questions, feel free to hit up Sarah and Shirah’s joined cell phone number: 202-555-WeYeahedUrMomOnTheFortRenoStage. •