Hello, loyal satire subscribers! Once again, we are back with a helpful guide to assist you in all your daily troubles. This school has 99 problems, and the security line happens to be roughly 85 of them. Our security guards have been put under the stress of dealing with the mob of children that arrive seemingly all at once at about 8:50, which makes for great intergrade bonding. Worry not, we have a few golden nuggets of advice for you lucky ducks to help you avoid all the early-morning hassle.
Eat the freshman. Fact: there are at least 500 billion freshmen at Wilson. Fact: without said freshmen, the security lines would be clear. Let’s be honest, the freshmen taste like Mango Juul pods, sophomores taste like AP World, juniors taste like straight cigs, and seniors taste like crippling fear of failure. When you take all of your options into consideration, doesn’t mango sound good? Yes, it does.
Drink milk. Once you hit five-foot-adult, they’ll let you in with all the teachers, no doubt about it.
Levitate. Security is so busy hunting for metal spoons in backpacks, they never get the chance to look up! So once you squeeze your way into the entrance, just do your thing! Levitate! Float over everyone, and straight into the building.
Cozy up next to that kid in your sixth-period Team Sports class. Don’t worry if this is the first time you guys have had a genuine conversation, and don’t worry if they are with their actual friends. Just waltz right up to them and pretend to be interested in their plans for the weekend. They’ll love it, you’ll love it. We promise it’s not awkward! And yes, you should wait for them after getting through the line—better yet, walk them to their first period!
Just don’t go to school! All we’re saying is if you aren’t at school, you aren’t in that goddamn security line.
Use the pool entrance! Hey you. Yeah, you—the underclassman who is still using their schedule five months in the school year. Don’t worry, we gotcha covered. Trust us, young Tiger. The security guards at the pool entrance won’t notice you scurrying in after a bunch of seniors, and they definitely won’t see the Freshman Seminar homework fall out of your bag.
Stampede security. They can’t stop all 2,000 of us.
Here we are, the end of our wondrous list. We hope you take all this advice seriously, and we’ll see you at security! (Please, no autographs).•