Shirah and Sarah’s guide to the one day off we get in March (it’s the 20th)


Graphic by Sarah Morgan

Shirah Lister and Sarah Morgan

Oh hello there loyal satire subscribers, it’s us, Sharah. After the many breaks that were embedded into January and February, we know you are just dying to have multiple back-to-back five-day weeks. Pray no more, as the great DCPS god has granted us just that until March 20. We know the plan was to have no breaks, ever, for the rest of eternity. We also know you haven’t planned for a single day vay-cay. So, us, the great Sharah Lorgan, have decided to help you out with this despicable three day weekend. Here it is, our suggestions on how to spend the one day off in March.

  1. Go to the Bahamas. One day is just the right amount of time to get on a plane, do thirteen photoshoots, post all on your Instagram with the caption “how’s the cold?”, sip some VIRGIN piña coladas, and get right back on a plane to the District.
  2. Come to school anyways. Let’s be real—are you really gonna miss out on the beauty that is Wilson after hours? Especially since all your favorite teachers are going to be here. Just you, Mr. Pineda, and the crew team practicing in the atrium. I mean, talk about the perfect place for a romantic picnic and yeaaaahhhh (see Cuffing szn satire for more info).
  3. Just Yeahhhh the day away. Need we say more?
  4. Adopt. Adopt what you ask? Up to you >:) all we know is that you have time to do it! (Suggestions include: A highway, a young aspiring wizard, Scientology).
  5. Visit 84 colleges. Hello freshmen! Have you started thinking about college yet? No? Oh we get it, you don’t care about your future. That’s fine. For those of you who do care, why not visit some colleges to really get a head start on those juniors in your Art A class?  
  6. Lock yourself in the Greenhouse. Picture this: you walk into the Greenhouse, inhaling deeply as you take in your surroundings- the beautiful and flourishing succulents, the stunning view, and most importantly, the venus flytrap. Now take that venus flytrap and shove your hand into it. Not only do you now have March 20 off, but you’ll have many more days as you recover in the hospital. (Disclaimer: There is no venus fly trap in the greenhouse. The Beacon does not endorse venus flytraps. Terrible plant).
  7. Poop for three days. No one will stop you… well, except maybe the hemorrhoids. Because sitting on the toilet for too long is how you get those little buddies.

Let that sink in. But not for too long or else you’ll get hemorrhoids. We hope you enjoy the little break DCPS has begrudgingly donated to you poor souls. •