I bet you guys were all thinking, ‘Sharah? I thought they stopped writing their hilarious satire pieces.’ Well, guess what? We would never stop writing satires. Partly because we love writing them and partly because we will be kicked off the Beacon if we stop. LOL! Anyways, for those whose perception of time has vanished, summer is starting. We know it’s messed up. But, in order to help our lovely worshippers, we’ve put together this helpful list for starting off the summer.
Throw out all of your turtlenecks. Yes, we know, turtlenecks are cute. They’re sexy. And above all, they make us feel like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. But unfortunately, it’s time to say goodbye. Guess you’ll have to start wearing some concealer for those “neck bruises” instead.
Remember how to read a real clock. Not the digital ones. We know you forgot, and that’s embarrassing.
Wash your face. We know that you teenage slobs have been using the balmy weather and certain “current events” to avoid washing your face, but please. It’s going to be 80 degrees next week. Think of your families.
Annoy your parents. Speaking of family, you know what’s fun, cheap, and absolutely addicting? Randomly walking in and out of your parents* room. While you’re there, you might as well lie down on the bed! Because for some reason theirs is so much more comfortable than yours.
*We know statistically like half of you have divorced parents. Sharah included. Sorry.
Boycott Amazon. We just wanted to make you guys laff. We know you won’t.
Do some Chloe Ting! Yes, Sharah Lorgan does Chloe Ting. Religiously. Which means that you should also do Chloe Ting religiously. Not only will you hate her awful music, but you’ll hate us for convincing you to do it! #Abs #AbsInOneDay #Ad #Sponsored
Learn a new language. We’ve been studying a lot! And now, we’re fluent in Danish, Klingon, Elvish, Hebrew, Swahili, and Troll. Anything is possible when you tell extravagant lies!
Clean all the cups out of your room. Your parents paid us to put this in. #Ad #Sponsored
We can’t wait for you guys to try these out! Don’t forget to post on Instagram with your results #SharahLorgan and we will make sure to not look at it. Or maybe we will. (No, we won’t. Social media is a disease.) Have a concealer-filled summer <3 #HotGirlMeg #MegTheeStallion #PlsNoticeUsMegWeStreamedTheSavageRemix63Times #DojaSux #DojaCatIsOverParty •