Beckys of the world set to face discrimination after release of new Beyonce album


Brian Keyes

Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical work of opinion, and is not intended to be interpreted literally. 

It seems like most celebrities can’t go three days without saying or doing something to disparage some group or another. Whether it be Azealia Banks and the queer community or Gilbert Arenas and all female athletes, the news is filled with people who just couldn’t keep quiet. This time however, it appears that the perpetrator is none other than The Queen Bey herself, Beyonce Knowles.

If you’ve been on the internet in the last two weeks you may have learned two things about Beyonce recently: She released a new album, and it was because her husband/business partner Shawn Carter, better known as Jay-Z, cheated on her. The immediate reaction of the “Beyhive,” otherwise known as Beyonce’s most Committed, Rambunctious, Ardent, Zealous, loYal fans was to try and find who would dare try and make a claim on something clearly belonging to their idol. Thankfully, Beyonce left one helpful hint in her song “SORRY”, calling out “Becky with the good hair.”

Now there are some who try and claim that “Becky” is just a derogatory term for a woman who performs oral sex. These people would try and rationalize Beyonce’s actions as working out her anger without mentioning anyone by name, so as to not give the mob a target. After all, if she had said specifically who dared to disrespect her, within the hour that person’s head would be on a pike outside the Knowles mansion to serve as a warning.

Instead however, Beyonce called out an entire name. Beyonce knows what kind of power she has. She mentioned Red Lobster once in a song, and then Red Lobster’s sales went up by 33% for the business quarter. If she put her mind to it, I’m sure she could raise a standing army larger than the world has ever seen and actually take over the world. The Bey-Hive does seem to be more hive than people, so it’s not difficult to imagine swarms of them rising from the earth assembling into ranks as Beyonce chants over and over again “Ok ladies now let’s get in formation.”  Now any Becky faces a very real and very immediate danger from the most empowered army ever. It would have been better if Beyonce had just told everyone who it was, because then the bloodshed would have ended with them.

But now we face the very real possibility of experiencing the world’s first name-icide. It should be made illegal to name your child Rebecca now, for their own safety. Existing Beckys will have to go into hiding for fear that if they are discovered they shall be thrown upon the never ending funeral pyre that is made up of those caught already by the hive. If not, then I fully expect that they will be relegated to second-class citizens. In 30 years we will be in need of a new civil rights movement for Beckys, all because of Beyonce and her legion of unyielding warriors. 

I’d like to think that Beyonce could somehow fix all of this, but it’s too late. The spell has already been cast and a Beyonce spell can be broken by no one, not even Beyonce herself. All we can do now is try to console any and all Beckys that we know, and then immediately report them to the Beyhive special police, so that they may be dealt with by the proper authorities.